It has taken until week 12 to see our precious New Orleans Saints hang in the TV VIP Lounge so nobody is blaming you for not knowing what to do with yourself today. Truth is, there are other meaningful games you could watch to hold you over until the main course is served up Monday night. Let’s check the menu.
Panthers vs. Colts
Not really that exciting, but containing a vegetable is kind of important just like being in our division is kind of important. Just a little bit exciting because Cam Newton is the cheese. By the way, the Colts are the crackers. If Peyton Manning were around they would be toasted pita chips (way better).
Bucs vs. Titans
The Bucs are pretty disappointing just like jalepeno poppers usually are. We still order them from time to time, though, because we dig cheese. One time the poppers made us sick to our stomach but then the restaurant gave us another order and we devoured them easily.
Redskins vs. Seahawks
Those Seattle jerks tricked us into losing last year in the playoffs just like Southwestern Eggrolls trick us into thinking they’re not so bad for us because they have tiny pieces of bean and corn. 51 grams of fat per order? 810 calories? 12th Man? 41-36? Those numbers are all disgusting. And the 12th Man thing belongs to Texas A&M (and, Hello Aggies! Welcome!).
Bears vs. Raiders
Chips and Salsa are pretty standard, just like rooting for the Bears to lose is. Plus we have no reason to really like the Raiders just like we have no reason to really like fried corn and smashed up tomatoes but we do and we should today.
Vikings vs. Falcons
One of Michael Pollan’s golden rules of eating is “Eat Food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants.” This also definitely translates to Atlanta Sports Teams. See, watch this: “Hate Falcons. Ignore the Braves. Dismiss the Hawks.” Experiencing some form of distaste for the Falcons is something you should do once a day, just like eating salad is (shout out to Winnipeg).
See you Monday night.