Phoenix Suns Preseason Press Conference

Suns Conference Room: Before The Storm.....

"My jersey's too big."
Danny Fortson turned and looked at Jameer Nelson, one of the Phoenix Suns' 4 rookies. "Sure it's not because you're small?"
Rasheed Wallace let out a hearty laugh. "HaHA! C'mon, Meerkat, ya just gonna let his @$$ stand there and talk $#!+ about yo @$$, brah? Ya gotta fight back, man, know what I'm saying? Ya gotta be quick with ya lips, fast on the draw, beat his @$$ to the punch, keep....." Both Danny and Jameer rolled their eyes as Rasheed continued on with his expletive-filled dialogue. Meanwhile, Juwan Howard was on his cell, having a conversation of his own.
"What? No, Chris, I don't want to hear about the time you and Eddie......what? Bro, I'm tired......No, I got a full night's sleep last nigh...what's my problem? Dude, my phone's been blowing up for days now....what? Have I talked to Jalen? Chris, you know doggone well I've talked to Jalen!......what?.....ARGH! Chris, stop. No, stop. I'm tired. If it's not Jalen calling me up about all the money he's making and about what club he hit last night in the ATL and how he make it rain like hurricanes and he saw 15 of my Hawks jerseys for 5 bucks at TJ Maxx, it's YOU running up my bill, boring me talking about your ONE ring and what you did that night and how you'd never cried so much and what Eddie did the next week and.....what? No, I can't hear..PSSHH! You're breaking up! FSSSH! Chris, I'm hanging up! PSSHH! Tell Momma Webb I said hey, I really gotta go, bye Chris, bye! GOOD GAWD!!!!!" Juwan slammed his cell shut and threw it across the room. "HA! Take that, Chris! Screw you and your contract, Jalen! I'm sick of BOTH of you!" He turned to face a wide-eyed Ron Mercer, Shane Battier, and Jeff Foster. "So, what were you guys talking about?"
"Umm..." Battier mumbled.
"..We were thinking up nicknames for the guys," Foster chimed in. "So far, we've got 'Diva' for Devin, Sheed calls Jameer 'Meerkat', Dalembert's 'Sam I Am', Tony's 'Tony Toni Tone,' Ron's 'The Mercenary', Eric's 'Snow White', Shammond's 'Sham-Wow'...."
"...And you're Juwanna Man," Ron finished. Juwan blinked.
"Say what now?"
"Juwanna Man. Like the movie," Ron said without batting an eye. Deng and Dalembert, overhearing that last part, started laughing, then went back to trading recipes. Sensing that Juwan was about to blow, Shane decided to change the subject.
"...Hey, Jeff. What'd y'all come up for me?" Jeff grinned.
"Batman."
"Can't argue with that, but I was hoping it'd be a bit more creative than that...."
Jeff grinned and winked at Ron, who was slowly moving out of Juwan's reach. "No, Batman's only part of your nickname. Your full nickname is......" he paused for effect. ".......Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da BATMAN! (the "Batman" part was done in a cheesy falsetto)"
Shane just hung his head and walked off, right past "Diva" Harris, Shammond Williams, and Tony Allen. Harris flexed a bicep. "All I'm saying is, Rookie of the Year, baby. Right here. Not only that, Finals MVP. Yeah, that's right. Championship. Then I'll record my debut album. And find Sasquatch. Set a record for hackysack...and master origami."
Tony reached over and snatched Devin's energy drink out of his other hand. "That's enough for you."
Shammond looked at the two rookies. "I guess you haven't heard about the Curse of the Scorned Sun."
Harris looked confused. "The....what?"
Shammond continued. "Ain't gonna be no championship. See, Zo told Jalen and Jalen told Juwan and Juwan told me that Zo had put a curse on Phoenix for trading him. See, he HATES our owner, and when he got traded, he told our owner: 'You ain't gonna win $#!+ no more.' So when we upset the Grizz, our owner couldn't wait to talk smack, so he came up to Zo and said: 'I thought you said we weren't gonna win $#!+?' So Zo punched him, knocked him out, then walked off and said: 'I didn't say $#!+, I said championSHIP.'"
Meanwhile, the owner was busy trying to coax his GM into going out there. "Look, Xist, you gotta do this."
"Johnny, I don't wanna. I'm tired. I had to fly Sheed from Toronto to Phoenix, and he wouldn't shut up. HE. WOULDN'T. SHUT. UP. Plus, that annoying SI.com reporter..."
"The one who people get mixed up with you?"
"Yeah. That jerk's out to get me, I swear."
A woman came over to Fortson and whispered in his ear. He nodded. "Five minutes, y'all."
Rasheed, being Rasheed, chimed in as well. "Ay yo, we got 5 on it, mutha******s! "
Xist groaned. "See what I mean?"
Johnny rubbed his freshly shaved head. "How about if I give you a vacation?"
Xist perked up. "Vacation?"
"Yup."
"How long?"
"Three months."
"Offseason?"
"Nah. I think I can hold down the fort for a bit. How about a month in-season vacation, two months offseason?"
"For real?"
"Yup."
"When?"
"You can leave after the press conference."
Xist grinned, jumped on the chair so everyone could see, and yelled, "AY YO, WE GOT 5 ON IT, MUTHA******S!"
"No need to cuss, yo," Sheed muttered.

****ing Gold!!!

:clap:

Suns Media Room: Press Conference

GM Xist2inspire (that's his nickname, FYI) struts to the podium, almost with a Vince McMahon-like swagger. The Suns' owner follows, chuckling at his GM's newfound spring in his step.

Xist: Hello everybody, and sorry to keep you waiting. It's been a long time coming in the desert, but at this moment, I am so proud to say, that the SEASON is HERE!

*small cheers come from the crowd*

Xist: Finally.....basketball has come back to PHOENIX!

*In the crowd, SI.com reporter J. Felders sighs and rolls his eyes. "Well, someone's definitely in the Wrestlemania spirit..."*

Xist: Last season was a disaster, no use denying it. And after any disaster, rebuilding is in order. We had to let go of some great players. Ben. Andre. Mike. We wish them all the best in their new homes and their new roles, but we are excited as well. Not only for our present, but for our future! This season....is just the beginning. So without further ado, I bring you, the NEW Phoenix Suns!

At Center, number 36, Rasheed Wallace!

*Rasheed runs out and launches a stream of "F*** yeah! Let's go, mutha******s!" Xist reaches into his pocket for an asprin.*

At Power Forward, number 27, Danny Fortson!

*Danny walks out to a lot of cheers. Fans appreciate his hard work last season.*

At Small Forward, number 31, Shane Battier!

*Battier comes out, but he can hear Foster, Howard, and Ron chanting the Batman theme backstage. "I hate those guys," he mutters to himself.*

At Shooting Guard, number 5, Ron Mercer!

*As Ron passes Shane, he whispers "BATMAN!" one last time. Shane slyly flips him the finger, away from the cameras.*

At Point Guard, number 20, Eric Snow!

*Backstage, Devin Harris turns to Tony Allen in surprise. "What the heck? I thought I was starting!" Tony, with a small grin, says, "Look at it this way, it'll give you more time for your debut album."*

Xist: But again, it's not just about our present, it's about our future. We looked at this draft and saw potential at all our positions of need. With some aggressive moves and a whole lot of luck, we were blessed to acquire not one, not two, not three, but FOUR rookies, all of which we hope will be Phoenix Suns for a long time. So now, welcome the future!

Small Forward, number 9, Luol Deng! Guard, number 6, Tony Allen! Point Guard, number 14, Jameer Nelson! And Combo Guard, number 34, Devin Harris!

*As Devin passes the other rookies, they all serenade him with a "You came out last" chant. Devin refuses to acknowledge them.*

Xist: Now, I'd like to bring out the other members of our team. We're happy to have players like Juwan Howard back, and we welcome backup center Samuel Dalembert to the desert.

*The other players come out*

Xist: You know that I don't talk much...

*You can see the owner mouth out, "Since when?"*

Xist: ....So I'll let the media dictate my words. Ask away, gentlemen.

J. Felders: What are you going to do after this press conference?

Xist: What kind of stupid......I'm going to Disney Land, okay? Any more questions? The floor is open.

Dan Le Batard here. Sheed, we've heard reports that you had to change your phone number because Stromile Swift kept asking you to smoke with him. Is this true?

Sheed: Dan! My man. Y'see, Stro's my boy and all, but um, his um, particular brand of smoking.....yeah, I don't think X over there wants me to say too much on that $#!+. Lemme just say that Stro makes too much f****** money to call me to help smoke his cheap-@$$ Mary J.....um, no comment.

*The crowd roars with laughter. Xist reaches into his pocket for two more asprins.*

Xist: Any more questions?

J. Felders: ....Because Disney Land awaits.

Xist: ..........

Can you explain how Rasheed and Fortson will share touches in the paint? Also, what's the situation of the backcourt?

Bill Plaschke here, A lot of people thought you were rebuilding your rebuild this offseason after unloading Miller late last season and Bibby this offseason. While you acquired 3 picks to help your rebuild you selected 2 point guards on your team after already having Shammond Williams and Eric Snow on the roster. One going conclude your General management strategy is one of acquiring assets first and building a team second, which has some of your fans a little restless. What's your reaction to those assumptions?

*"Backcourt situation? Oh, I wanna hear this one...." Devin Harris mumbled. Tony elbowed him in the ribs to shut him up. "Ow!"*

Xist: First off, Fortson has been everything we hoped for and more, his effort last season was phenomenal. But at the end of last season, Danny came to us and said that he was uncomfortable with being the main offensive focus of the team, and would appreciate if we could find a way to let him focus on the rebounding and defensive aspects of the game. That's where Rasheed comes in. Not only does he provide the strong interior presence defensively that we lost in trading Ben Wallace, but he takes over the frontcourt offensive responsibilities that belonged to Danny last season. Danny is ready and willing to step in when needed, but for now he wants to allow others to display their offensive talents, and we are very pleased to act according to his wishes.

Secondly, we have high hopes for our young guards. We fully expect to have at least one of them in a starting role next season. But it is a rare rookie indeed who is ready to become a high-profile starter in the NBA. Training camp has shown us that none of them are at that level quite yet. And so we will rely on two respected veterans, Eric Snow and Ron Mercer, to fill the gap and groom our young guns for the future, while lending their own unique talents to our starting five. Eric has played for a model franchise in the Lakers, and Ron brings the workmanlike, blue-collar attitude that he gained in Milwaukee. These are qualities that every team must have: Poise and Mental Toughness. And let us not forget Shammond Williams, who we expect to push our rookies hard in practice, and who has also mad a wonderful effort during the offseason to be ready to fill in if the need arises.

J. Felders: FINALLY! Someone asks the PG Question. I thought I'd have to do it myself......

Xist (trying to ignore the annoying reporter): Bill, that's a complaint we've heard many times. On the matter of Point Guards, we have found that there is a lack of quality Shooting Guards in the league. Most are considered franchise players and are difficult to obtain outside of free agency or high draft picks, and those who are not considered as such have various issues, such as underachieving or a hefty contract, that make them a risky choice to acquire. As such, we have been forced to get creative in our attempts to gain a SG. In the case of Devin Harris, we did our research. Devin has drawn comparisons to Dwayne Wade of the LA Clippers, another hybrid PG/SG. Eric and Ron are vets, they won't be here forever. Of the trio of Harris, Nelson, and Allen, we hope to have two start for us when Eric and Ron's time is done. We are hoping that this time, we have found the players that will define our backcourt for years to come.

Now, on the subject of assets. I have become of the mindset that when assembling a team, there are two major types of athletes: Players & Assets. A Player is a fixed quantity, a set number. You either create a gameplan around a Player, or you acquire a Player to fit your gameplan. But when something goes wrong, a Player can only do so much, for after all, he is usually limited to a particular function. Trading him will be hard, because since Players are fixed quantities, they have fixed value. And as such, if no one offers their fixed value, in order to rebuild, you must take less. Assets, however, are flexible, shifting pieces, the wild cards in your deck. Assets can change, can surprise, can adapt. But inevitably, they turn into Players, whether by trading some for one, or by developing into one. But they provide balance, they can be the glue that holds sinking ships together, the surprise ingredient that adds new flavor to a dish. We have had teams here in Phoenix with many Players, but few Assets. And when we started sinking, we had no Assets to trade, none to evolve and adapt. We were essentially one-trick ponies. We traded Players for more Players, and Assets for more Players, and failed because of our inability to adapt. So now we are a team of Assets, but we're also a team coming off of a terrible season. We're a team with an unclear direction. We're a team that needs to rebuild from the ground up, and that starts with finding out what we're worth. There are no shortcuts to rebuilding, no quick fixes. We've tried quick fixes. Now, we shall start off like our current champion, the Hornets, did. We start with many unproven Assets, but a few Players as well. We play. We experiment. We adapt. We let our performance, on the hardwood, under the dim lights of practice and the bright lights of gameday, determine our gameplan, our identity, who we are as a franchise. Those who flourish will stay on. Those who do not will not be here for long. It may be next season that we solidify, it may be two seasons from now, it may be more. But we are built to be flexible until that season comes. We WILL develop. Our Assets WILL become Players. Our identity WILL be formed. We WILL become a team, we WILL become a playoff team, we WILL become a contender, and if God be willing, we WILL become a champion and bring a title to this great city of Phoenix. And it WILL happen, one step at a time.

Did you just compare Devin Harris to Dwyane Wade?

*"You're darn skippy he did...ow!" Devin shot a dirty look at Tony. "Stop elbowing me!" Tony didn't bat an eye. "Stop speaking."

Xist: Comparisons between one player and another are tough. When doing so, I tend to look at size and playing style more than talent level. For example, I think it's a bit of an insult to LeBron James to compare him with Michael Jordan.

*shocked gasps and whispers flutter throughout the crowd.*

Xist: LeBron's size, versatility, distributive talents, and other factors call to mind such greats as Oscar Robertson and Magic Johnson, players notorious for their ability to play nearly every position on the floor and fill up the stat sheet in numerous ways, becoming triple-double machines, something that Michael was never able to do on a consistent basis. Now of course, people see his talent and go, "Ohmygawdit'sda2ndcomingofMJ!!!" But it goes much deeper than that.

On the subject of Devin and D-Wade, of course Devin's not on D-Wade's level. For one thing, D-Wade was a starter from Day 1.

*Jameer leaned over and whispered in Devin's ear, "BUUUURN!"*

Xist: But we looked at Devin and saw many parallels. Both are slightly undersized for the SG spot, yet also are slightly too offensive-minded to play the PG slot. They have the ability to excel at both, however. I suppose a less controversial comparison would be to Gilbert Arenas of the Bucks.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Xist2inspire

J. Felders: FINALLY! Someone asks the PG Question. I thought I'd have to do it myself......

Xist (trying to ignore the annoying reporter): Bill, that's a complaint we've heard many times. On the matter of Point Guards, we have found that there is a lack of quality Shooting Guards in the league. Most are considered franchise players and are difficult to obtain outside of free agency or high draft picks, and those who are not considered as such have various issues, such as underachieving or a hefty contract, that make them a risky choice to acquire. As such, we have been forced to get creative in our attempts to gain a SG. In the case of Devin Harris, we did our research. Devin has drawn comparisons to Dwayne Wade of the LA Clippers, another hybrid PG/SG. Eric and Ron are vets, they won't be here forever. Of the trio of Harris, Nelson, and Allen, we hope to have two start for us when Eric and Ron's time is done. We are hoping that this time, we have found the players that will define our backcourt for years to come.

Now, on the subject of assets. I have become of the mindset that when assembling a team, there are two major types of athletes: Players & Assets. A Player is a fixed quantity, a set number. You either create a gameplan around a Player, or you acquire a Player to fit your gameplan. But when something goes wrong, a Player can only do so much, for after all, he is usually limited to a particular function. Trading him will be hard, because since Players are fixed quantities, they have fixed value. And as such, if no one offers their fixed value, in order to rebuild, you must take less. Assets, however, are flexible, shifting pieces, the wild cards in your deck. Assets can change, can surprise, can adapt. But inevitably, they turn into Players, whether by trading some for one, or by developing into one. But they provide balance, they can be the glue that holds sinking ships together, the surprise ingredient that adds new flavor to a dish. We have had teams here in Phoenix with many Players, but few Assets. And when we started sinking, we had no Assets to trade, none to evolve and adapt. We were essentially one-trick ponies. We traded Players for more Players, and Assets for more Players, and failed because of our inability to adapt. So now we are a team of Assets, but we're also a team coming off of a terrible season. We're a team with an unclear direction. We're a team that needs to rebuild from the ground up, and that starts with finding out what we're worth. There are no shortcuts to rebuilding, no quick fixes. We've tried quick fixes. Now, we shall start off like our current champion, the Hornets, did. We start with many unproven Assets, but a few Players as well. We play. We experiment. We adapt. We let our performance, on the hardwood, under the dim lights of practice and the bright lights of gameday, determine our gameplan, our identity, who we are as a franchise. Those who flourish will stay on. Those who do not will not be here for long. It may be next season that we solidify, it may be two seasons from now, it may be more. But we are built to be flexible until that season comes. We WILL develop. Our Assets WILL become Players. Our identity WILL be formed. We WILL become a team, we WILL become a playoff team, we WILL become a contender, and if God be willing, we WILL become a champion and bring a title to this great city of Phoenix. And it WILL happen, one step at a time.

---

Plaschke here again, and I like what you're saying here, but the proof is in the the pudding. How can you say you're not taking short cuts when you sign a 30 yr old Center in Sheed? Was that an asset minded deal to deal him after the 60 day rule or is he a part of your long term future? Hard to say that considering it's only a 1 year deal he's on. Common sense would say if you're rebuilding you'd want to give Dalembert who at 23 has shown a lot of flashes to be a force in the league the playing time?

(sorry if this seems pointed just trying to add some spice to these by asking tough questions)

Xist: No problem, Bill. You're not asking anything that we didn't ask ourselves when we offered Sheed his contract. As you well know, next season's free agent crop has the potential to be the biggest yet. We felt that handing out huge multi-year contracts now would severely damage our flexibility, and that was not a choice we were willing to make. There was no player in this free-agent crop that we felt comfortable with commiting to long-term immediately. And so we mostly looked at the players who were at a crossroads in their careers.

You may have noticed that a large amount of our players are either on one-year deals or in the last year of their contracts. This enhances our "trial-by-fire" mentality. The best players are usually those who are the hungriest, those with the most to prove. Every one-year player knows that his future is in his hands. Rasheed wants to prove that he's worth a contract that will allow him to finish his career here. Sam wants to prove that not only can he be an excellent backup, but also wants to prove that if Rasheed falters, he is more than capable of stepping in. Shane wants to prove that yes, he can bring different things to the the table than Luol can. In truth, we were stunned that Rasheed was willing to sign with our franchise knowing our mentality for this season, knowing that we will not hesitate to move him or let him go in free agency if his play on the court doesn't convince us to keep him. And we are very grateful for his choosing to do so. So, it's up to these guys to show us that no, there doesn't need to be changes. No, whatever fears we have are completely baseless. It's up to these guys to MAKE themselves a part of our future. Honestly, we love our squad. We feel as if only minor changes will be needed. But we liked Zo's squad. We thought that the Bibby/Miller duo could succeed. So this time around, we're not going to be complacent. Nothing will be given, it will be earned.