Detroit Pistons
I’m speechless. How the hell did this not work.
Golden State Warriors
Eat ****.
Houston Rockets
Clint Capela and/or Sam Dekker and a draft pick lands you DeMarcus Cousins. Maybe Daryl Morey actually isn’t all that smart?
Indiana Pacers
The Pacers don’t have a ton to offer, here. But then again, neither did the Pelicans, and a Boogie Cousins-Myles Turner frontcourt would be extremely entertaining. But I’m sure they’ll be glad they didn’t offer, say Glenn Robinson III, who is younger than Hield but already has over two years of NBA experience. After all, he’s the newly crowned Mighty Champion Of Slam Dunks. How many dunk contests has Cousins won? None.
Los Angeles Clippers
Why would the Clippers trade for an All-Star center, you’re wondering, when they already have an All-Star center (DeAndre Jordan) and a five-time All-Star power forward (Blake Griffin)? Because they could get him for a can of beans, that’s why! Austin Rivers is only a year older than Hield, and he’s got playoff experience; I’m sure the Kings value that. Him plus a pick is almost as good as a can of beans.
Los Angeles Lakers
What?! Hmm, we can’t get Brandon Ingram, so let’s just take Buddy Hield instead. Fire everyone in charge of the Kings into the sun.
C’mon, Lakers. So you didn’t want to part with Ingram. That’s fine. Did you call back to see if the Kings would take Jordan Clarkson? Larry Nance Jr.? Tarik Black holding an airbrushed portrait of Magic Johnson in front of his face? They traded him for Buddy Hield.
Memphis Grizzlies
Oh god, imagine the fun of a Marc Gasol-DeMarcus Cousins partnership. Now it’ll never happen. And all because nobody bothered to see if the Kings would trade Cousins for Wade Baldwin IV and a Super Saver coupon booklet.
Miami Heat
LOL, Pat Riley gets what he wants, huh.
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Guess he didn’t want one of the NBA’s best players on his team.
Milwaukee Bucks
Can you imagine Cousins and Giannis Antetokounmpo on the same squad. You’ll have to, because I guess the Bucks decided they’d prefer to keep friggin’ Thon Maker instead. He’s very tall!
Minnesota Timberwolves
The Wolves are bursting at the seams with unproven young or young-ish players who don’t—or in some cases shouldn’t—figure into their long-term plans as anything but trade sweeteners. Kris Dunn; Tyus Jones; friggin’ Shabazz Muhammad; hell, even Zach LaVine. No combination of one of those dudes and a draft pick could beat the crappy deal the Kings made? Bull********!
New York Knicks
The thing to get mad—apocalyptically mad—about, here, is that Phil Jackson has made such a mess of the Knicks that they probably couldn’t beat Buddy Hield-plus-lint. The best young players they have are Willy Hernangómez and Kristaps Porzingis, both of whom are vastly superior to Hield—but either of whom would return to Europe in a heartbeat before he’d go play for that manure pile of a Kings organization.
Oklahoma City Thunder
This one legitimately is a bummer. The Thunder are overflowing with limited young players who can’t help Russell Westbrook, all together, as much as Cousins would help him all by himself. Cousins would make them, instantly, not only an absolute nightmare matchup in the playoffs—with a puncher’s chance at knocking off the Warriors—but appointment television for the foreseeable future. They own their own 2017 pick and could have topped Hield-plus-lint any number of ways. I guess their scumbag grifter owners are satisfied with letting one of the most astounding players in the history of basketball grind himself to dust for another season-and-a-half and then leave town without a ring.
Orlando Magic
Let’s revisit that Ric Bucher tweet from up above:
“Could’ve had him, balked.” Because they’d ... rather roll with the boring, low-wattage core (Nikola Vucevic, Aaron Gordon, Elfrid Payton) that has taken them nowhere over the past few seasons? Nuke this franchise to dust. Contract it.
Philadelphia 76ers
What’s that you’re saying? The Sixers already have enough centers for like five NBA teams? When has that ever stopped them from adding centers to their roster. They’ve got picks and assets coming out of their ears, hoarded for the ostensible purpose of landing superstar-grade talent. Boogie could run point for this team. He’d be better than the guards they’ve got!
Phoenix Suns
The Suns have like half a dozen very young, very anonymous dudes on their roster. I’m sure at least one of them is more appealing than Buddy Hield. The possibility that that’s not the case is too awful to imagine.
Portland Trailblazers
Hoo boy. Hooooooooo boy. If only the Blazers had waited a week. They could have been streaking up the West standings with a Damian Lillard-C.J. McCollum-DeMarcus Cousins core, instead of deciding when and how to have Jusuf Nurkic use his six personal fouls each night. But they had the Nuggets’ first-rounder, and they still have some young guys; they could have given the Pelicans some competition. Oh well. I’m sure Nurkic will be awesome.
San Antonio Spurs
I mean, the Spurs are 43-13 and have the second-best point differential in the NBA—plus more than half my life has elapsed since the last time they weren’t a championship contender—so don’t get too mad. But if Hield and a pick would do it, then surely some combination of Dejounte Murray, Kyle Anderson, and picks and other crap could have sufficed to transform the Spurs into something truly terrifying and awe-inspiring. We’ll never know.
Toronto Raptors
D’oh. The Raptors traded Terrence Ross and a first-rounder for Serge Ibaka six days ago. Ibaka is a fine player, and he’ll make the Raptors better, but the Kings would have given them DeMarcus Cousins and a billion dollars for that much.
Utah Jazz
The Jazz are the pleasant surprises of the West. It’s not quite their year, but they’re setup to give somebody—or a succession of somebodies—a hell of a time in the playoffs. You know what would be a great addition to a talented core just now coming into its prime? A phenomenally gifted big man also just entering his prime! Maybe he’d be a weird fit next to Rudy Gobert, but he’ll be a weird fit next to Anthony Davis, too. And the Jazz have an overabundance of young or young-ish dudes who would have been nicer trade chips than Buddy Hield: Alec Burks, Dante Exum, Rodney Hood, Trey Lyles, and so on. Surely they could have absorbed the loss of one of those dudes in exchange for DeMarcus Cousins.
Washington Wizards
ACTUALLY IT’S GOOD THAT THE WIZARDS DIDN’T TRADE KELLY OUBRE JR. AND A PICK FOR DEMARCUS COUSINS, I’M PROUD OF THEM, SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE.
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Originally Posted by boardtown
