As the NewOrleansHornets.com relocation effort continues, RSP News has learned that commissioner Bill Gates has set certain benchmarks that Spongeridge must meet before the relocation request can be favorably voted upon. Sources have informed RSP News that among the benchmarks established by commissioner Gates are that Hattiesburg demonstrate that they have 8 Pentium 4 computer terminals running Microsoft WindowsXP with broadband internet connections in each of at least 6 different Internet Cafes; that Hattiesburg successfully establish 1,000 new board memberships; that Spongeridge obtain more corporate sponsorships; and that Spongeridge complete a long-term ISP and domain hosting agreement.
Although he provided no specifics when questioned about the benchmarks, commissioner Gates did offer the following "Spongeridge knows what must be done. The posters in New Orleans have always supported the board and we would prefer that the board remain based in that market, but things have happened and we have been asked to consider this relocation request. The City of Hattiesburg has done a lot on their own with limited resources. But Spongeridge must button up the details on these final barriers to relcoation before I will forcefully recommend that the relocation take place. However, we are impressed with the new bank of 2.5GHz servers connected to the Galaxy Cablevision lines."
When asked for a comment, NewOrleansHornets.com's new co-owner and spokesman, BuddyD, speaking through an interpretor, said, "We have full faith in the City of Hattiesburg and expect to announce within the next three weeks that we have achieved all required benchmarks. We have done everything in our power to make our network of 12 IBM 386 machines with 10MB hard drives and 64K of RAM work in New Orleans. The fact is that these machines were out dated when we started this board, we made the best of what we had, but we need better and the board members at NewOrleansHornets.com have not been willing to provide us with what we need."
Meanwhile, the Big Three at NewOrleansHornets.com revealed that Spongeridge has been systematically under counting the number of people online at any particular time. Spokesman COCajun said "Spongeridge has been only counting the registered members on the board, although he allows unregistered guests to have access. This tactic has resulted in an under reporting of the number of people on the board and page hits per day. The bast*** is trying to make us look bad. He wants to create a false impression that we do not support the board, when in fact, many have not been able to log in because Spongeridge has deactivated their accounts, thereby forcing them to lurk as unregistered guests. If it wasn't for his dishonest counting of the actual people online, our hits per day would double and we would undoubtedly surpass the numbers of UNOPrivateerSports.com, GreenWaveSports.com and BayouBengal.com, placing us firmly behind SaintsReport.com."
In other related matters, Say-What, speaking on behalf of his client Grandadmiral, said "Spongeridge's tactics with regard to the under reporting of board members online is typical of his deceptive practices. He is poisoning the board. Moreover, he has taken advantage of my client by unjustly backing out of the AIP that the two had agreed upon and then had the audacity to include subliminal messages in the watch party pictures that were obtained from my client under the fraudulent pretense of awarding worthless potints. We have downloaded the altered images and secured them from Spongeridge's SBI, although our firewall has logged several attempts to access our encrypted drives originating from Hattiesburg." As for the class action suit, Say-What offered, "I have every confidence that the Court will rule in my clients' favor. We have documented Spongeridge's failure to honor his promises to award points and upgrade the board's features and servers. We will show that Spongeridge has actually revoked points without cause and placed a moritorium on any new perks and upgrades despite his apparently worhtless promises to the contrary." When asked what his clients thought of Spongeridge, Say-What merely said "What the f***, that f'ing coullion is nothing but a wuss!"
In a rather surrealistic exchange, COCajun, who apparently has seen Star Wars Episode 2 one too many times, added "benchmarks the evil Spongeridge leap must, votes we now seek our side for. Relocation denied, sale forced, victory ours is. Young master say-what, I direct you to Pankme Kournikova's side at all times. If change positions you must, my business that is not. What makes Senator Pankme happy is what you must perform." What this means, this reporter is unsure of, however it is obvious that the matter has become personal for COCajun, who has sought the guidance of greater forces.
On a more positive note, RSP News has learned that bdiddy's condition has stabalized and the plague has gone into remission, although his condition remains guarded pending the results of this weekend's Lakers' game.
Copywhat 2002 - Rank Speculation Publications, the preceeding article is nothing but opinion, based on speculation, grounded in rumor first reported in the Chalmette Obscurer. No one in their right mind claims any rights to the foregoing
Next installment - ENDGAME!