Best post I've read...maybe ever
I got this off the nola.com Saints forum. GREAT STUFF.
My New Orleans
If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right. It's pronounced "New Orlenz." No one from here says "New Orleens" unless they are writing a song and need it to rhyme.
It's hot. It's humid. It rains. No shtt. Those are the only 3 weather patterns we have here. Bit-ching about it don't make it change. It didn't start the day you came, and it will still be like this when you leave.
& we like it like that. Come back for the Sugar Bowl if you want nice weather. If your weather is better where you live, go or stay home. When you are still freezing your ***** off where you live, we'll be going around in shorts and flip flops.
Three out of 4 people who live in New Orleans have a drinking problem. As long as they ain't asking me for my Silver Bullet, let them go ahead on. If drinking offends you, go to Amish country. If you like to drink, buy me one, I'll talk to you while I drink it.
Three out of 7 people who live in New Orleans have a gambling problem. Forrest Gump said it best, "Stupid is as stupid does." We look at it the same way we do tourists, whatever money you waste is taxes we don't have to pay.
The city is dirty. We measure Mardi Gras' success by how much garbage is picked up. Here's a clue: the city is dirty mainly because pigs from out of town throw their garbage down like they are in a movie theater. If you don't like it dirty, pick up after yourself.
We have a lot of crime. It's mostly the have nots taking from the haves. If I see your drunken rich rude ***** walking around my town, off the beaten path, with money falling out of your pockets, I'm gonna think about knocking you in the head and taking a vacation in your town, so I can ask your daughter to show me her ti-ts.
No one eats healthy here. Fried batter is actually a menu item in some restaurants. What do you think cracklin's are? It's fried fat. If you want healthy food, take your ***** to California.
The shopping sucks, unless you are buying groceries, alcohol, beads, hookers, or antiques. If you want to shop for anything else, go to the Mall of America. Our malls are not close to anywhere tourists are, and if you manage to get there, they don't have what you came to buy anyway. All the things you are looking for, we have waiting for you in the Quarter.
The amount of cash you spend on gasoline, alcohol and cigarettes in a month to live here will exceed your rent / house note.
The West Bank is actually East of the city. It would take too long to explain. Just take our word for it.
The roads in New Orleans have potholes that are large enough to hide an aircraft carrier. No one is trying to correct this problem. We'd rather pi$$ our money away on new shtt for you tourists than fix our streets.
If you want to see an alligator, take your ignorant ***** to Westwego or to the Audubon Zoo. Contrary to popular belief, we don't all have them in our backyards like they do in Florida.
Anyone who sucks crawfish heads just does it for show. It don't taste good, and it ain't good for you.
Eating a raw oyster is also just for show. It don't taste like anything but salt, mucous, and the concoction you make to dunk it in. If you really want to impress me, suck the phlegm out of a bulldog's nose.
Barbecued shrimp aren't really barbecued, but they are **** good anyway. We like our shrimp fresh, and peeled, unless they are BBQ'd or boiled.
Our food is occasionally spicy and well seasoned, not flaming hot like every moron in America thinks is the definition of "Cajun" anything. If you want hot, take a big swig directly from the bottle of Tabasco on your table. Now, don't you feel Cajun?
Only a tourist would wait in line for one or two hours to eat. We have more good restaurants in the city than you have in your entire state. If you see a line, go on to the next place. Most of our bars serve good food too. If you don't know where is a good place without a line, ask, we'll school you. This does not apply to Deanie's. Even we are stupid enough to wait there. But we are wising up, and getting sick of that shtt too.
Emeril is a nice guy. We like him too. He loves New Orleans, and we love him for that. But truth is, he's from New Jersey, and most of that shtt he's cooking and serving ain't New Orleans food. He's making a hell of a lot of money off of y'all, making you believe it is though. We tolerate it because he spreads the gospel, and we know most of you won't be able to get in his place, and will eat somewhere that has real New Orleans food.
We talk funny, and say a lot of words you won't hear anywhere else. I'll give you that it is similar to a Brooklyn accent, and not very southern. It is not a sign of ignorance, and we don't need subtitles. Viva la difference.
Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time. Catch a cab if you are desperate, or mooch a ride. Don't try to walk anywhere out of the Quarter or on St. Charles Avenue. Public transportation is for the poor or misguided, except for the street cars. Don't rent a car. You don't know where you are going, there is nowhere to park, they will give you a ticket, and tow you far, far away. We have enough traffic and people who don't know how to drive already. Better yet, it would be faster if I took you my own **** self. Streets can intersect with themselves, and sometimes the same street changes name. No two streets run exactly parallel to each other. The neutral ground (median) is called that for a reason. Take yo ***** out of the street or we will run you over. This is not a pedestrian mall, it's a living, working city. One out of 3 streets is impossible to pronounce unless you were born in New Orleans, a literary scholar, a student of ancient history, or a Cajun. (Ex. "Tchoupitoulas")
If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one here seems very worried about this problem, either. Same thing if a hurricane hits us dead on. At least we have levees. Every year it floods somewhere up north of here along the Mississippi River, and they wonder why. Duh. Build a levee, stupid. It provides a place for healthy people to walk and run, for dogs to pee, and jobs for dead heads and their relatives.
There are 365 days in the year. We're thinking about having more days to accommodate the 414 parties and festivals in or around New Orleans. We like it like that.
Most of the women showing their tits and everything else on "Girls Gone Wild" are tourists. They are your daughters, sisters and wives, not ours. The only ones doing that that belong to us are hoes.
We only go to Bourbon Street to laugh at tourists making asses of themselves. We've already eaten and done our drinking before we got there, and we got only one drink at those prices they are charging you, just to keep our throat wet.
How would you like it if when we went to your town, we peed on your door or in your bushes? Act accordingly when you are here. Singing, talking, laughing and screaming at the top of your lungs at 3:00 A.M. anywhere outside of the Quarter or inside of some bar, is about as well tolerated here as it is in your town.
Listen to what the policeman says. Every word of it. Many have come for a good time, and had it turn into a criminal record. If he says jump, you say "How high?" He is tolerant, but he has his limits. And he doesn't think you are as funny as you do, nor does he have a buzz. Be cool.
Now why doesn't any one ever leave? We have the best looking women, best tasting food, greate ... (it cuts off here for some reason).